Validation means to express understanding and acceptance of another person's internal experience, whatever that might be. Validation does not mean you agree or approve. Validation builds relationships and helps ease upset feelings. Knowing that you are understood and that your emotions and thoughts are accepted by others is powerful. Validation is like relationship glue.
Self-validation is accepting your own internal experience, your thoughts, and your feelings. Self-validation doesn't mean that you believe your thoughts or think your feelings are justified. There are many times that you will have thoughts that surprise you or that don't reflect your values or what you know is true. You will also have feelings that you know aren't justified. If you fight the thoughts and feelings or judge yourself for having them, then you increase your emotional upset. You'll also miss out on important information about who you are as a person.
Validating yourself will help you accept and better understand yourself, which leads to a stronger identity and better skills at managing intense emotions. Self-validation helps you find wisdom. Mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. Being mindful of the thoughts you are having and the feelings you are experiencing is necessary before you can validate that internal experience.
In terms of self-validation, this means being your real self and not lying to yourself. It means that you don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t. Rejecting who you are is one of the highest levels of invalidation. An important distinction is that who you are is different from what you do. You are not your behavior, yet changing some of your behaviors may alleviate some of your suffering.
Be mindful of your emotions without pushing them away is consistent with validation, be present. Being present means listening to yourself. Feeling the pain of sadness, hurt, and fear is challenging and difficult. At the same time, avoiding emotions often results in quite negative consequences, while accepting emotions allows them to pass and helps build resiliency. Being present for yourself validates that you matter and that you have the strength to feel. Being present with your internal experience means you experience the body sensations that are part of your emotional experience.
For self-validation, accurate reflection is acknowledging your internal state to yourself and labeling it accurately. Reflect on what triggered the emotion and when the precipitating event occurred. Reflecting means observing and describing, components of mindfulness.
When you observe and describe your internal experience, you do not interpret or guess or make assumptions. You would say, “I feel angry, and it started yesterday after my friend canceled lunch. I sense tightness in my stomach, so maybe there is fear as well.” Saying, “I am a total loser, and no one wants to spend any time with me,” would NOT be stating the facts of your experience.
Sometimes people who have intense emotions don’t see any of their emotional reactions as being normal. Everyone has emotions. No one is happy all the time. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, hurt, ashamed, or any other emotion. At the same time, it’s just as important to validate when others would feel the same way and accept that as well.
If you are sad because you didn’t get a job you wanted, remember that others would be sad if that happened to them. Check out whether what you are feeling is what most other people would experience, and validate those feelings as normal, even if you don't like experiencing them.
Living with a constant need for validation can stem from possible bullying, manipulative relationships, emotional abuse, and even the way you see yourself. This can lead to serious emotional issues, that a professional may be able to better help you with...
CALL THE National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 if you need to talk to someone now.
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