How one lyric in an Elton John song mirrored my reality.
When I first heard Elton John's "I Think I’m Gonna Kill Myself," I knew it was meant to be humorous—a satirical take on teenage melodrama, set to an upbeat, almost vaudevillian tune. But there was one line that cut through the humor and hit me differently: “Think I'm gonna kill myself, cause a little suicide on the state of teenage blues.” To most, it might sound like an exaggerated cry for attention, but to me, as a depressed transgender teen, it felt uncomfortably real.
Growing up, I often felt out of place, like I was living in a world that didn’t see me for who I truly was. My struggles weren’t just about typical teenage angst; they were about identity, isolation, and the crushing weight of feeling misunderstood. The so-called "teenage blues" weren’t a passing phase for me—they were an ever-present reality.
Hearing that song, I didn’t laugh the way others did. Instead, I saw the deeper truth beneath the satire: sometimes, people do play off their pain as a joke, hoping someone will see past the humor and ask if they’re really okay. I had done it myself—laughing off my sadness, making light of my own despair because admitting the depth of it felt too raw, too vulnerable.
The world I lived in at that time didn’t offer many safe spaces for a transgender teen struggling with depression. Resources were scarce, and understanding was even scarcer. Every day felt like a battle to exist in a body that didn’t feel like home, in a society that either ignored or invalidated my pain. I wasn’t just dealing with "teenage blues"—I was drowning in them.
Music was one of the few things that made me feel seen, even when it wasn’t written for someone like me. Elton John, with his flamboyant persona and defiance of convention, was a beacon in his own way. While I Think I’m Gonna Kill Myself wasn’t meant to be a deep reflection on mental health, that one line, buried in satire, echoed something real about the way young people—especially those struggling with identity—can mask their pain with performance.
Looking back, I see how far I’ve come, but I also recognize that there are still too many young people feeling what I felt then. It’s a reminder that we need to listen—really listen—when someone jokes about their pain. Sometimes, behind the laughter, there’s a silent plea for someone to notice, to care, to remind them they’re not alone.
I made it through, but not without scars. Now at the age of 70, whenever I hear that song, I don’t just hear satire. I hear the echoes of a younger me, lost in the state of teenage blues, waiting for someone to understand.
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